Out of Canon Tripe
by CeliaEquus
Summary: This is my little parody-fic, based on an idea I had for another story, which I expanded to make THIS one. Note: I will still use the same idea in the other story. Disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes, not monetary. Merlin forbid.


"Out of Canon Tripe"

What might have happened if Dumbledore's death _had_ been faked? How might things have changed then?

Now, it's a truth universally acknowledged that Albus Dumbledore was one of the most powerful wizards alive; in fact, probably second to none. He was a notoriously good judge of character, and was seen as completely trustworthy. Therefore, it came as rather a big surprise when Severus Snape, Potions Master and Hogwarts professor, was able to kill the headmaster. How could this possibly be? Wasn't _he_ supposed to be on their side?

This, however, is what _really_ happened…

* * *

The green light seemed to hit its target. What no one saw—none of them being on the right angle, you see—was that Snape's wand was pointed a bit too much to the right, and a bit too high up. Dumbledore had got the inspiration from a Hollywood movie special effects worker. He used to go to Hogwarts, but left Britain to live life as a Muggle in America, avoiding his parents who were trying to force him to marry another pureblood. But that's another story, and far more boring than this one, so I shan't elaborate.

Anyway!

Just like in the movies, when someone's shot, Snape and Dumbledore worked out the wizarding equivalent. At the right moment, the headmaster set off the hidden device in a pocket near his heart, a device which emitted an explosion of green light, thus giving the appearance of being hit with the Killing Curse. As for that fall from the Astronomy Tower, _well_… Who do you think taught Severus Snape to fly? All it took was for the headmaster to land on his feet gently, transfigure a piece of grass into a pretend Dumbledore-body, and place the fake locket there. Then, of course, disappear until he turned up at the Final Battle.

Clever, no?

But wait! There's more!

* * *

In the Shrieking Shack, the snake struck Snape in the side of the neck, tearing the skin something terrible. After Voldemort left, followed by the Golden Trio, taking the memories with them, the snake returned. Soon, the snake was Albus Dumbledore, who had worked all year to turn himself into a replica of Nagini. The _real_ Nagini was wandering around the grounds somewhere, waiting for her master to find her. She had already been Confunded—a difficult task with a horcrux—into thinking that she had poisoned the potions master.

But, in truth, the snake-Dumbledore _had_ no poison. He healed Snape's wounds, drew a blood-replenishing potion from his robe pocket, and tipped the contents down the man's throat. Soon, they were both able to retire to the battle, where they fought, and the Light won the war! Hurrah!

* * *

Typically, the Golden Trio returned to Hogwarts for their seventh year, at Hermione's insistence. Everyone had now back-pedalled, happy, of course, that both Dumbledore _and_ Snape were alive, and neither of them on Voldemort's side. After a series of detentions and an intimate apprenticeship, Hermione found herself falling for her DADA teacher (as Snape had taken the job again). Despite the fact that he was supposed to be in love with Lily Evans/Potter, he found herself falling for her as well. So, despite Ron's selfish objections, Harry's melancholy fence-sitting, Ginny's enthusiastic acceptance, and Draco's sudden friendship with them _and_ smug acceptance… Hermione Granger became Hermione Snape.

They found her unforgiving parents; and, after much consoling on Snape's part, they ended up having children despite his usual hatred for them. Their offspring were all far too intelligent, and all ended up in Ravenclaw. Eventually, they formed a school for pre-Hogwarts students, becoming the four founders of it, and their parents eventually became Headmaster and Headmistress of said school. It was called Sow's Ear School for Mini-Witches and Mini-Wizards.

And that's where this parody fic ends. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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I'm planning to use elements of this story—okay, the fake-Nagini thing—in a future story of mine. I have about a dozen stories planned at the moment, and will get around to them as the year progresses, and as I finished other stories that are going at the moment. With any luck, I'll have time to get a lot more writing done during the Easter holidays.


End file.
